Single Mom at War!

It has been a minute since I have blogged and so much has happened. Some good some bad and yes some sad. It is not easy to put your life on the paper and then to let people read what my life has been like but I need it help me and I pray that it helps someone else. The last time I blogged it was about my Zachary and the life choices that he was making and how I have to learn to let him lead his life and to make the best.  He is no longer living at home and this is permanent decision. He is 18 and he wants to live a life that I can not agree with so he is not here. My Mother use to say if you can't follow the rules and regulations of my house then you need to find somewhere else to live. It hurts me that I don't know where my son is living. But I do know that God will take care of him. As his Mother I carried him for nine months but he is in my heart forever. I pray everyday that God will restore our relationship and that he will look in the mirror and see the Zachary that I s...

I have not blogged in a few weeks and so much has happened. I started not to blog about it but I promised myself that I would blog about the good the bad and the ugly. I know that this helps me process my feelings and it helps some Mother or Father not feel alone. My son came home on July 30th. It was my Mother's BIRTHDAY and I know that he made her day. She was able to see him and  talk to him and that was what she had been her prayer for months. Jordan was happy to see her brother and my house felt like old times, I was in the kitchen cooking my Cubs were laughing and listening to music.and having a good time with each other. I felt for the first time in months that I could breathe. Zachary came to me and asked if he could come home. I was taken aback when he asked and of course I said yes. I had always told him that this would always be his home and that he would always be able to come back. But of course coming home came with rules and expectations. I knew that once he came...

So I  celebrated my 42nd BIRTHDAY and this one was by far the most important one to Me. I thought that 40 was the greatest birthday. Because at 40 I found this new found freedom to live my life on my terms. To live on purpose and to make sure that everyday counted. Somehow that got lost after a couple of months. I went back to the things I knew the things that were comfortable but not necessarily good for me. Things with my son kicked in high gear and my focus was turned to fixing that. I tried to be the best Momma that I could and lost Kim in the process. I didn't know how to do both. Then it was like the harder I held on the more ground I lost. I was so depressed my health was in the trash and I was so unhappy. Then 41 came and I promised myself that I would do better be better put me 1st. Everyone kept telling me that if I took care of myself then the rest would fall into place. That made no sense to me how if I took the focus off of my drama in my life and my heart would it...

I was so very overwhelmed by the response from my last blog. It amazes me that people have taken the time to read my blog and for that I am very thankful. I just want someone who is going threw what I am going threw or have been threw to know that they are not alone. The worst feeling is your life falling apart and you feel alone. I have been in a room full of people and felt like I was on a island. And to hear people say I know what you are going threw and it will get better is what was needed at some of my darkest moments. I know fear and faith can not reside in the same space. But let's just tell the truth I have been so damn scared and felt that God didn't hear me or didn't care that fear is all I had to hold on. I have never lost someone like the lose of losing a dream. You know the dream we have for children what happens when that dreams fades and dies because they become independent people and have their own lives and goal and dreams and they no longer line up with...

Today is the day that I have dreamed of since 8/19/99. Today is the day that my son should be graduating from High School and getting ready to start the next chapter of his life. This was supposed to be a happy day. My family was supposed to be excited that another milestone has been reached. I had so much of his life planned out how this should go. But now I know that God will have the last say concerning my son. I am watching kids and Parents posting cap and gown pictures and it hurts that I am not doing the same things. I am not jealous or envious I am sad. I have been threw so much as a single Mother and I sacrificed so much so that he could succeed in all areas of his life. I had no idea that this was the plan. When I saw his future I saw a different path. But that is what I wanted and how I saw things. The bible says that His plans are not your plans. And this is so true especially when it come to be a parent. Yes I took some wrong turns. Yes I failed. Yes I was wrong. Yes I ...

There is nothing worse than having to depend on other people for anything. I am the caretaker and I like the control that comes with it. So to have all of that taken from me in a instant it was hard to deal with.  Trust me I know that I am blessed and that things could have been really bad I just could not understand why Me. I have taken so many hits with my health in the last fourteen years damn can I catch a break.  My son was home and yes I was glad but with the stress of not feeling well and trying to understand my new normal it was so much to handle. I did not want to be sad or depressed but I was in my feelings.  My son left again a few weeks after my stroke and I was so hurt this time. He had promised that he was done with the running away and he was excited about the prom and graduation. So when he left it sent me into a depression. I just want to know why he keeps doing this and how can I get him back on track. I also had to tell myself the truth that I was mad...