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I am Growing up.

So I  celebrated my 42nd BIRTHDAY and this one was by far the most important one to Me. I thought that 40 was the greatest birthday. Because at 40 I found this new found freedom to live my life on my terms. To live on purpose and to make sure that everyday counted. Somehow that got lost after a couple of months. I went back to the things I knew the things that were comfortable but not necessarily good for me.

Things with my son kicked in high gear and my focus was turned to fixing that. I tried to be the best Momma that I could and lost Kim in the process. I didn't know how to do both. Then it was like the harder I held on the more ground I lost. I was so depressed my health was in the trash and I was so unhappy.

Then 41 came and I promised myself that I would do better be better put me 1st. Everyone kept telling me that if I took care of myself then the rest would fall into place. That made no sense to me how if I took the focus off of my drama in my life and my heart would it get better. I cried prayed and said I left it up to God. But what I did was to pray,cry and worry. And the more of that I did the more I was so lost.

And then I had the stroke and suddenly nothing matter but ME. Why did it take me almost dieing or maybe never walking or being able to take care of myself or anyone else. Why is it that I was not important enough? Why was everyone and everything more important than my life. How do you wake up every morning and put your wants and needs to the side put a smile on your face and tell people nothing is wrong and I'll be ok. When it's all a lie.

So instead of saying that I was going to do Chapter 42 better I actually have done it. Small steps of getting back to Kim. Finding out who this new Kim is since I have new normal. I am making a effort to leave it all on the floor. Not taking anything or anyone for granted. To smile with my heart and not just my face. To find joy and peace wherever it maybe. To free people from my life. And by that I mean people who don't bring joy,happiness and peace to my life to free them and walk away.

My life didn't become perfect on July 21st but I am taking this Birthday to live and do what is best for Kim. Knowing that as I get better I become a better Mother,Sister,Daughter and Friend.

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