On the journey of doing this blog it has given me a sense of freedom about my life and my truth is just that. I have lived thru many things in the last 365 days that I had no idea I could live thru. My health has gone from where I didn't feel like trash everyday to now some days getting out of the bed takes a pain pill and an hour just to make it. But because I have kids and I am taking care of my Mother I have no choice but to make it happen.
This was not supposed to be my life. I love being a Mother and it is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. But this year my son has pushed me to the limits to wonder why I gave up my life to be his Mother. I am sure that being my son is not a piece of cake and that I can be the bitch from hell. But I have never done anything but make sure that he was always taken care of and provided for even if it was to my own detriment. If my kids had or have a need my life and health go on the back burner.
After my son ran away the first time in May 2015 he ran away a total of 12 more times. He told some people at his school that I had Cancer and he was falling asleep in class and not doing his homework because he was having to take care of me and his sister. First of all I don't have Cancer however I do have Lupus(SLE), Congestive Heart Failure, Anti-Cardio Lipid, Asthma, Degenerative back disease, High blood pressure and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. So as you can see I have enough that I am dealing with that I don't need anyone adding to my plate. And then to add to my problems my blood pressure was at stroke level it was as high as 178/125 and the Doctors kept saying whatever you are doing to stress you out it has to stop. You are going to have a stroke or heart attack or a stroke. My Lupus was active and stress was making it worse.
I wanted someone to tell me how was I supposed to calm down and relax when my son was stealing not just from me but his Grandmother and little sister? How do you relax when you feel violated in your own home? Zachary ran away again in June and this time he was gone for a week someone was giving him shelter it was doing this period that I found out he was smoking weed and drinking. How had a failed so bad a parent? I raised him in church we prayed I taught him the importance of hard work, good grades and a good work ethic. I had failed somehow he had to go to both sessions of summer school life in my house was tense. Not regular teenager tense but he had now stolen from his sister and she was very hurt by his actions.
My Doctor told me you are going to keep playing around and I am going to put you in the hospital and I kept saying I cannot go. I have a son who is changing daily, a daughter who was very angry and a Mother who wants to hold his hand and make it all better. My Doctor said if you die who will take care of them Lupus is a disease that I will die from my death certificate may not say cause of death Lupus SLE. I have always been the kind of person who always said I will be fine and I will be alright. I am not sure that sometimes I even believe that I am as sick as I am until I go to the doctor and they go over all the medicines that I take 22 total in one day and then the summary after the appointment where it list all the things that are wrong with you and what the diagnoses was for the problem that you had been seen for today.
I have seen people die of Lupus some my peers who on paper we had the same life. And then I have seen some people younger than me who live a vibrant life and who seem to kicking Lupus' ass. I have also seen people older than me who have looked death in the face and made it to leave a long life. I have to face the fact that while for all of us life is a crap shoot and that nothing is promised and today we may be here and tomorrow we may gone. I see my life in a very direct and definite way. I make no excuses and that can come off as harsh but we all have to deal with life on our terms. I have several days laded in my bed and asked God why I why not just let me die why keep me in pain and suffering and then the next day I wake up and say it was not my time.
I know that if my health was not what it is that not only would my life be different but the lives of my children. I was diagnosed with Lupus SLE when my daughter was only 1 years old. So all of her life she has known that some days Mommy does not feel good and some days Mommy does not work and some days Mommy may be in the hospital and we have to stay with Grandma. However for my son he has watched my health decline and he has memories of me playing with him and taking him to the park, coloring and playing Lego's with him. This damn disease has not only changed my life and my children's lives but everyone who loves and cares for me.
So as the frequency of my son running away increased and everyone kept asking the question why I have never had an answer. Every time I asked him why he runs away and will tell lies like I was being beating up by my boyfriend and Zachary jumped in and I took this imaginary boyfriends side and I put him out of my house. I have never been in a domestic violence relationship and I have always put my children first.
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Shaneene