Hello everyone so with the effort to tell the true and be transparent I have been in my feelings for the last few days. It is such a horrible feeling and to make things worse I have am Lupus headache that makes me feel like shit. I am not going to make it cute or dress it I feel like I want to take my head off my shoulders and roll it down the street.
I know why I am in my feelings. Facebook has this wonderful thing that it shows memories of what happened on this day years previous. And the other day it was the memory of my son being missing. I had no idea that one year later that this day would not be the worse day of my life. My son snuck out of my house and was gone for 3 days and I had no idea where he was or who he was with. I was a nervous wreck and my mind was running rampant. I had to call the police and we made flyers my church family helped pass out flyers almost 200 of them. He was at some friends of his house who Mother was fine with him being there with out talk to me or making sure it was fine
For the life of me I don't remember when I was a teenager just staying at someone's house and my Mom not being called or the person's Mom not talking to her. Who are these people little did I know that I was in the minority of my thinking. This would not be the last time that my son would run away and to tell you that no one can tell you what it is like to go to bed and have no idea where your kid is and if they are . So every time the phone rings my heart beats faster and then if someone comes to the door worrying about if it is the police coming to tell me my son was dead.
And all the time my health has to take a back seat. My blood pressure was at stroke level and I was dead smack in the middle of a Lupus flare and all the Doctors keep telling me to degrees my stress you have to relax get some sleep. How can I sleep when I had a dream about my son being dead and I saw him in a coffin. No one can tell you how this should play out and I got tired of hearing have faith and pray. I felt judge by people who kept saying well why is he running away what are you doing to him. And I was like I have no idea and people giving me the side eye like yes you do. And all the while I have a daughter to raise and make sure that she is ok, and that she is supported and not in her feelings. She didn't have a language for her feelings or a point of reference. All she knew was her brother was changing and so was the dynamic in our house.
I just wanted someone to tell me that it would be ok and that all would be right again. I wanted my sweet little boy back who I called sweetpea and everyone loved.
I wanted to get my health back together and I was getting sicker everyday. The one thing Lupus needs to survive is stress. So I was stressed about my son and stressed about my health and stressed about my daughter and how she was coping.
I felt so alone and so sad it was not a sadness that I had ever felt before. I didn't think there was a sadness past the death of a parent but then I was diagnosed with this damn disease that is doing its very best to kill me.
I know why I am in my feelings. Facebook has this wonderful thing that it shows memories of what happened on this day years previous. And the other day it was the memory of my son being missing. I had no idea that one year later that this day would not be the worse day of my life. My son snuck out of my house and was gone for 3 days and I had no idea where he was or who he was with. I was a nervous wreck and my mind was running rampant. I had to call the police and we made flyers my church family helped pass out flyers almost 200 of them. He was at some friends of his house who Mother was fine with him being there with out talk to me or making sure it was fine
For the life of me I don't remember when I was a teenager just staying at someone's house and my Mom not being called or the person's Mom not talking to her. Who are these people little did I know that I was in the minority of my thinking. This would not be the last time that my son would run away and to tell you that no one can tell you what it is like to go to bed and have no idea where your kid is and if they are . So every time the phone rings my heart beats faster and then if someone comes to the door worrying about if it is the police coming to tell me my son was dead.
And all the time my health has to take a back seat. My blood pressure was at stroke level and I was dead smack in the middle of a Lupus flare and all the Doctors keep telling me to degrees my stress you have to relax get some sleep. How can I sleep when I had a dream about my son being dead and I saw him in a coffin. No one can tell you how this should play out and I got tired of hearing have faith and pray. I felt judge by people who kept saying well why is he running away what are you doing to him. And I was like I have no idea and people giving me the side eye like yes you do. And all the while I have a daughter to raise and make sure that she is ok, and that she is supported and not in her feelings. She didn't have a language for her feelings or a point of reference. All she knew was her brother was changing and so was the dynamic in our house.
I just wanted someone to tell me that it would be ok and that all would be right again. I wanted my sweet little boy back who I called sweetpea and everyone loved.
I wanted to get my health back together and I was getting sicker everyday. The one thing Lupus needs to survive is stress. So I was stressed about my son and stressed about my health and stressed about my daughter and how she was coping.
I felt so alone and so sad it was not a sadness that I had ever felt before. I didn't think there was a sadness past the death of a parent but then I was diagnosed with this damn disease that is doing its very best to kill me.
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