There is nothing worse than having to depend on other people for anything. I am the caretaker and I like the control that comes with it. So to have all of that taken from me in a instant it was hard to deal with. Trust me I know that I am blessed and that things could have been really bad I just could not understand why Me. I have taken so many hits with my health in the last fourteen years damn can I catch a break. My son was home and yes I was glad but with the stress of not feeling well and trying to understand my new normal it was so much to handle. I did not want to be sad or depressed but I was in my feelings. My son left again a few weeks after my stroke and I was so hurt this time. He had promised that he was done with the running away and he was excited about the prom and graduation. So when he left it sent me into a depression. I just want to know why he keeps doing this and how can I get him back on track.
I also had to tell myself the truth that I was mad at God. Why does it seem that I have to hurting in every part of my life. My son was doing whatever he wanted and he was living only God knows where. All I could do was pray but I felt like God didn't hear me or he was not concerned about me and my life or the life of my kids. I was so mad at God. I know someone will read this and so how could you call yourself a Christian and be mad at God or question him, My answer is I am not perfect I am flesh and my flesh is tired of the hurting and the sadness. The shame of what was going on with my son was consuming me and bringing down my physical body. And then one day God said yes Zachary is your son I used you a vessel to bring him into the world but he belongs to me. Zachary is on his own journey and it is time for Kim to get back on the journey that was started so many years ago.
Our children are given to us to love and care for but they will each have a journey and at some point they may have to walk alone, I pray for my son several times a day and I love him with every beat of my heart. I had stop watching the news because every time you hear of a murder or shooting in Charlotte or a bad car wreck my mind starts to race and my heart breaks. I hold my breathe everytime the doorbell rings because what if it is about my baby. No one can tell me how it feel about this or how to make it out of this unless you have walked a mile in my shoes. My son is a blessed young man and I know that God will have the last say about his life and I have to rest in knowing that. I also have to be a Mother to my beautiful daughter who is looking to me to be the best Mom that I can be, My daughter has taken my health issues and the issues with her brother and has turn them into stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. She has been on the A\B honor roll all year and very active in Marching band in her first year of high school.
I am so blessed and even though from day to day my faith and will is being tested I am still in the fight. I am a Single Mom at War not just for my life but for the lives of my children.
I also had to tell myself the truth that I was mad at God. Why does it seem that I have to hurting in every part of my life. My son was doing whatever he wanted and he was living only God knows where. All I could do was pray but I felt like God didn't hear me or he was not concerned about me and my life or the life of my kids. I was so mad at God. I know someone will read this and so how could you call yourself a Christian and be mad at God or question him, My answer is I am not perfect I am flesh and my flesh is tired of the hurting and the sadness. The shame of what was going on with my son was consuming me and bringing down my physical body. And then one day God said yes Zachary is your son I used you a vessel to bring him into the world but he belongs to me. Zachary is on his own journey and it is time for Kim to get back on the journey that was started so many years ago.
Our children are given to us to love and care for but they will each have a journey and at some point they may have to walk alone, I pray for my son several times a day and I love him with every beat of my heart. I had stop watching the news because every time you hear of a murder or shooting in Charlotte or a bad car wreck my mind starts to race and my heart breaks. I hold my breathe everytime the doorbell rings because what if it is about my baby. No one can tell me how it feel about this or how to make it out of this unless you have walked a mile in my shoes. My son is a blessed young man and I know that God will have the last say about his life and I have to rest in knowing that. I also have to be a Mother to my beautiful daughter who is looking to me to be the best Mom that I can be, My daughter has taken my health issues and the issues with her brother and has turn them into stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. She has been on the A\B honor roll all year and very active in Marching band in her first year of high school.
I am so blessed and even though from day to day my faith and will is being tested I am still in the fight. I am a Single Mom at War not just for my life but for the lives of my children.
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