Hello guys when I started this blog a few weeks ago it was meant to be a daily thing as a way to deal with my life the stress of life and to give me a place to vent if needed.
I said that I would be very transparent in this blog because what good would telling a lie to water down my journey for me or anyone who would read this blog.
So I am going to tell you a story of a young 23 year old woman who was selfish and spoiled, mean outspoken and rude. I did just what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to. I never took any shit off of anyone.
And then God told the best joke ever I got pregnant. I was scared and amazed and ashamed all at the same time. I never wanted kids or anything to do with kids.
I had been raised by a single Mother my sisters both were single Mother's so I knew I could do it but the question was did I want to. Was I ready to make my life about this other person who I was going to have to love,guide and support. I cried many nights and pray just as hard.
Zachary was born 8/19/99 after 26 1/2 hours of natural labor and when I held him for the first time I looked at my Momma and said "I had a baby" it hit me like a ton of bricks .
I had to grow up to go to work when I didn't want to. To put up with supervisor that I wanted to cuss out but could not because I had daycare and my baby had needs .
My life became consumed by him. Zachary was on my hip my life was built around his schedule and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. No it was not easy but it was worth it because this little boy was like a peace of heaven. Zachary was such a good baby he was not a crier but he always could calm my spirit.
Even though I grew up in church it was after Zachary was born that my relationship with God became more real. I prayed for him and his life and well being more than I had ever prayed for anyone or anything. I got saved and I knew that God would not turn his back on Zachary. Zachary was the church baby and everyone loved him.
When I was diagnosed with Lupus my totally changed and so did the life of my children. By the time I was diagnosed with Lupus SLE I was now the proud Mother of two children Zachary was a big brother to a little sister Jordan. He loved everything about her and she knew he would protect her no matter what. I have always loved the relationship between them with only a 3 year age difference they were like two peas in a pod.
My health was declining and the stress took a toll on not just me but my kids too. But with them being young they didn't have the language to express how they were feeling and I was so wrapped up in trying to provide a house for them and trying to understand this damn disease that is slowly killing me that. I became depressed and we all know black people don't get depressed and we don't talk about it and don't take medicine. When I tried to talk to my Mother she told me to pull myself together because you have two kids that need you. I was working trying to take care of my kids and hold my life together with a string. I looked up and the friends that I had for years were gone. I am not sure if I pushed them away or if they left because I had become the sick friend. My kids were my life and I kept them close to me and looking back to close at some point.
I said that I would be very transparent in this blog because what good would telling a lie to water down my journey for me or anyone who would read this blog.
So I am going to tell you a story of a young 23 year old woman who was selfish and spoiled, mean outspoken and rude. I did just what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to. I never took any shit off of anyone.
And then God told the best joke ever I got pregnant. I was scared and amazed and ashamed all at the same time. I never wanted kids or anything to do with kids.
I had been raised by a single Mother my sisters both were single Mother's so I knew I could do it but the question was did I want to. Was I ready to make my life about this other person who I was going to have to love,guide and support. I cried many nights and pray just as hard.
Zachary was born 8/19/99 after 26 1/2 hours of natural labor and when I held him for the first time I looked at my Momma and said "I had a baby" it hit me like a ton of bricks .
I had to grow up to go to work when I didn't want to. To put up with supervisor that I wanted to cuss out but could not because I had daycare and my baby had needs .
My life became consumed by him. Zachary was on my hip my life was built around his schedule and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. No it was not easy but it was worth it because this little boy was like a peace of heaven. Zachary was such a good baby he was not a crier but he always could calm my spirit.
Even though I grew up in church it was after Zachary was born that my relationship with God became more real. I prayed for him and his life and well being more than I had ever prayed for anyone or anything. I got saved and I knew that God would not turn his back on Zachary. Zachary was the church baby and everyone loved him.
When I was diagnosed with Lupus my totally changed and so did the life of my children. By the time I was diagnosed with Lupus SLE I was now the proud Mother of two children Zachary was a big brother to a little sister Jordan. He loved everything about her and she knew he would protect her no matter what. I have always loved the relationship between them with only a 3 year age difference they were like two peas in a pod.
My health was declining and the stress took a toll on not just me but my kids too. But with them being young they didn't have the language to express how they were feeling and I was so wrapped up in trying to provide a house for them and trying to understand this damn disease that is slowly killing me that. I became depressed and we all know black people don't get depressed and we don't talk about it and don't take medicine. When I tried to talk to my Mother she told me to pull myself together because you have two kids that need you. I was working trying to take care of my kids and hold my life together with a string. I looked up and the friends that I had for years were gone. I am not sure if I pushed them away or if they left because I had become the sick friend. My kids were my life and I kept them close to me and looking back to close at some point.
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