I have not blogged in a few weeks and so much has happened. I started not to blog about it but I promised myself that I would blog about the good the bad and the ugly. I know that this helps me process my feelings and it helps some Mother or Father not feel alone.
My son came home on July 30th. It was my Mother's BIRTHDAY and I know that he made her day. She was able to see him and talk to him and that was what she had been her prayer for months. Jordan was happy to see her brother and my house felt like old times, I was in the kitchen cooking my Cubs were laughing and listening to music.and having a good time with each other. I felt for the first time in months that I could breathe. Zachary came to me and asked if he could come home. I was taken aback when he asked and of course I said yes. I had always told him that this would always be his home and that he would always be able to come back. But of course coming home came with rules and expectations.
I knew that once he came home that life would not be easy because he had been gone for so long doing whatever he wanted that coming home to rules would be a hard transition. I enrolled him in school a charter school so that he can graduate from high and have something that no one can take from him a education and his diploma. I want him to have a successful life and I know that he needs a education. Life is hard enough I just don't want him to make it harder than it needs to be for a black man in this world. And what I am learning is what I want for him doesn't matter as much as what he wants for himself. I have to let him live his life and take his own path wherever that may lead.
The energy in my house is off because we are having to adjust to the new normal of life. We have been a household of three for so long that to adjust to a new person a stranger in some aspects is not easy. It is the little things that we took for granted the bass in his voice the tone of his voice is strange to the household. Everyone is trying to be so careful to not say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing that will cause him to leave again that we are driving ourselves crazy. It reminds me of coming home from college and having to get it where I fit in. To remember I was back in my Mother house and she had rules and standards and while yes being in college I was on my own but my Mother and Father were stilling underwriting my life.
I am having a hard time with the fact that on August 19th he will be 18 and yes by law he is an adult but he still has so much growing to do. There are still so many things that he needs to learn but he feels like he know it all and that I don't know anything about this thing called life. Because he has learned from the wrong people about what should happened and he has been done a huge disservice. My war is not over I have to keep fighting for his life. As a Mother I guess that fight is never over.
Angie Stone sang this as the hook in her song My sunshine has come and I am all cried out and there is no more rain in this house. And my tears of sadness will one day be tears of joy. I am still praying that he will graduate and be successful and the next chapter of his life will be the best one yet. No it easy but I know that one day it will be worth it. But whatever happened I will always love and support him and be his Mother and he and his sister will always be my Sunshine.
My son came home on July 30th. It was my Mother's BIRTHDAY and I know that he made her day. She was able to see him and talk to him and that was what she had been her prayer for months. Jordan was happy to see her brother and my house felt like old times, I was in the kitchen cooking my Cubs were laughing and listening to music.and having a good time with each other. I felt for the first time in months that I could breathe. Zachary came to me and asked if he could come home. I was taken aback when he asked and of course I said yes. I had always told him that this would always be his home and that he would always be able to come back. But of course coming home came with rules and expectations.
I knew that once he came home that life would not be easy because he had been gone for so long doing whatever he wanted that coming home to rules would be a hard transition. I enrolled him in school a charter school so that he can graduate from high and have something that no one can take from him a education and his diploma. I want him to have a successful life and I know that he needs a education. Life is hard enough I just don't want him to make it harder than it needs to be for a black man in this world. And what I am learning is what I want for him doesn't matter as much as what he wants for himself. I have to let him live his life and take his own path wherever that may lead.
The energy in my house is off because we are having to adjust to the new normal of life. We have been a household of three for so long that to adjust to a new person a stranger in some aspects is not easy. It is the little things that we took for granted the bass in his voice the tone of his voice is strange to the household. Everyone is trying to be so careful to not say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing that will cause him to leave again that we are driving ourselves crazy. It reminds me of coming home from college and having to get it where I fit in. To remember I was back in my Mother house and she had rules and standards and while yes being in college I was on my own but my Mother and Father were stilling underwriting my life.
I am having a hard time with the fact that on August 19th he will be 18 and yes by law he is an adult but he still has so much growing to do. There are still so many things that he needs to learn but he feels like he know it all and that I don't know anything about this thing called life. Because he has learned from the wrong people about what should happened and he has been done a huge disservice. My war is not over I have to keep fighting for his life. As a Mother I guess that fight is never over.
Angie Stone sang this as the hook in her song My sunshine has come and I am all cried out and there is no more rain in this house. And my tears of sadness will one day be tears of joy. I am still praying that he will graduate and be successful and the next chapter of his life will be the best one yet. No it easy but I know that one day it will be worth it. But whatever happened I will always love and support him and be his Mother and he and his sister will always be my Sunshine.
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